"Feeling Anxious About Not Seeing My Partner"

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"What can I do to combat insecurities?"

Often early in relationships, we can feel anxious, or even unstable if we haven’t seen our partner in a few days.  That fact alone is usually not the problem; it’s often accompanied by other factors.  Getting to the cause(s) of these negative feelings is essential.  Deciding what, if anything, to do, may be the most difficult part.

If it’s simply the lack of communication during the times between seeing each other that's troubling, talk about it.  It’s not something that can be perfected, but hopefully, it's an improving work in progress.  You're not showing weakness or being clingy by simply saying you miss him/her.  You can then gently broach the subject of being in contact.  It’s important to be able to discuss your feelings.  Sometimes excessive self-doubt or exaggerated insecurity can emerge.  If you conclude that those things are mostly self-imposed in such a case, it’s probably best to work on that solo.  Security and comfort grow with time, and those feelings are generally quelled.  Reassure yourself by recognizing you may just be overthinking.  

There are additional questions to consider if you’re having these irritable moods or unsettled feelings.  Is this a consistent feeling among most relationships?  If so, perhaps seeking the counsel of a therapist could help you determine what elicits such responses and how you can work to change them.  If these aren't your typical reactions, but how you're feeling in your current relationship, you may also find it helpful to talk with a professional.  

One or more things are triggering your mood and/or anxiety.  Is this a fairly new relationship and perhaps you’re not familiar with the habits or routine of your partner?  Sometimes this happens when things move quickly.  Add to that not knowing how your partner really feels about his/her level of commitment, there will at least be a raised level of anxiety.  If you feel you deeply care for someone, the seemingly constant thoughts can put you in a bad panicked.  Over an extended period of time, this can be crippling.  One’s emotions have the ability to overtake him/herself, and they can be very dangerous if not kept somewhat in check. This can take great patience, practice, and perseverance.  

What is it about not seeing your partner for several days that brings about the undesirable feelings?  Do you feel neglected?  Are those feelings warranted?  If you're in touch other ways, are you reassured and relieved, or is it you imposing the unnecessary and unfounded thoughts on yourself?  Reassure yourself.  Your sensible, inner self is wise and worth heeding.  

Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations of others.  Perhaps without even realizing it, we may try to find happiness in others.  If your contentment seems only to come from the responses you desire from your partner—if your moods seem mostly related to how your partner makes you feel--you’re undervaluing yourself and over-valuing someone else.  

Would you (or do you regularly) drop everything, change, or break plans to see your partner?  If you're answering affirmatively, this is your issue to work on.  

Accommodating someone is admirable, but when it’s repetitive, at great lengths, and sacrifices friendship, it can be very damaging.  When a love interest sees you taking responsibilities seriously and that you have additional things and/or people in your life that are also important, that’s positive.  No one’s entire life should be wrapped up in or revolve around another's.  If you believe you're doing that or heading in that direction, commit to yourself to re-engage with friends/family/hobbies, or other things for which you formerly made time.  Make a list of people and things you value.  When you feel distracted, powerless, or out of self-control, dedicate some time to one or more list items.    

As you work to share your time in a healthier way, keep exploring your inner self.  Do you feel like you're more interested in your partner than he/she is in you?  If so, why?  Do you feel undervalued by him/her or are you possibly so overly valuing him/her that you're undervaluing yourself?  Are there aspects of this relationship that are already compromised?  If you feel lack of trust, are these feelings reasonable?  Note these reasons, if so.  It may help to record answers to all these questions so you can see and refer to them as needed.    

Sometimes two people can just be the wrong combination.  One person can bring out the worst, or the best, in another.  You can only control what YOU do and how you choose to react to others.  If you feel that someone brings out a very different and unfavorable person in you, let that be a warning.  Be careful not to hand over so much power to another that you resign to powerlessness, relative to him/her. Is it what someone says or does to you that evokes this unfamiliar you, or is what is done or said to you not worrisome, but rather your reactions that are? People can be toxic to each other.  We can be so consumed with someone, knowing we have no business being involved with him/her, yet we can allow our strong attraction (for whatever reason) to overrule rationale.  Just know that in these situations, you're only compounding problems by continuing.  Each time you choose to engage, acknowledge that you're only choosing to bring yourself more harm.  If you feel you can’t take the necessary step(s) in a positive direction on your own, share this with a trusted friend--seek the guidance of a spiritual leader or counselor.  

In an imperfect world, we live imperfectly.  Overall, the most self-developed persons are empathetic and willing to accept apologies without condition or judgment.  We must best navigate internal and external struggles.  Wherever you are in life, the most you can live it is by being truthful to yourself. 

 
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