Interested in Love, But Love is Losing Interest
When Potential Romantic Partners Seem to Become Uninterested
Ever felt that a love interest (or a potential one) seems to be either losing or has lost interest in you, with no apparent reason you can figure? You find yourself feeling disappointed, rejected, and/or extremely frustrated. You may not find much comfort in this, but the same has been felt by most every other human, interested in a companion/partner. No, it’s not fun, but these emotions need not hold us captive. Personally, I’ve found myself in this situation and questioning myself more times than I care to recall. Although it feels like everyone else seems to have or easily finds someone compatible, and no one else around has this kind of trouble, nothing could be further from the truth.
I really don’t want to diminish anyone’s concerns or frustrations by pointing out the fact that they are experienced by everyone at some time or another. Believe me, I know the loneliness and self-doubt that can accompany. This was or seemed to be a prolonged or periodically repetitive situation for me. Dates, much less official “significant others” were rarely part of my college experience. I had plenty of friends, and I’d say some would have considered me one of the “life-of-the-party” types occasionally. If ever I mentioned not having dates or someone special in my life, people would say that surely couldn’t be true. Close friend and relatives would tell me it just had to be that "they were intimidated." Of course, that made no sense to me—who’s intimidated of the fun-loving, friends with/talks-to-everyone kind of person? And so it went. But it wasn’t the going it solo that was the hardest part. It was the countless times I felt a connection with someone or the potential for more than a friendship. Then after feeling a bit positive about something, inevitably would come the confusion and questioning—why had the person not called, or why had my call not been returned, if that had been discussed. More than once there were a couple or more weeks of dates, outings, talks, and fun times that I KNOW were enjoyed by more than just me. Then out of nowhere, at least from my perspective, decreased communication, other obligations, and “poof”—a disappearing act. Go figure.
A wise approach to anyone, any communication, is to entertain thoughts of another as no more than a potential friend. I laugh as I read these words; so much easier said than done. I wear my heart on my sleeve though I’ve tried hard to not, and I’m a passionate and deep feeling and thinking person. As an adult with quite some years of experience, I do know you shouldn’t give your entire self away; less is more—certainly in the early stages; but you must always be true to yourself. I often felt torn by that. I guess my pride kept me from being completely shameless in many cases, but not all. One thing I learned, in great hindsight of course, is that there surely was a lot of time and a lot of wrong people I was spared.
I won’t profess to know all the reasons of why, why not; who, who not; when, when not. Sometimes even after years to look back, there still may be no apparent reason. Everyone has something to offer us. What we want or expect, may not always be what they have to offer. And it’s not to look at people or life as all about what you can take, but that we all have things to offer and receive. This is something I wish I’d known more to consider when going through trials such as these. Some people make or have made us laugh, think, see things in a different way, love, feel empathy, etc. If someone passes through our lives, instead of focusing on what we no longer can or may receive from them (or give them) it would be so much better if we could be grateful for what we’ve been given.
Another idea that’s easier said than done. But all the things I’ve heard that about, (those things easier said than done) when I’ve set out to actually DO them, they’ve been among the most gratifying and insightful things in life. For example, choosing to return hate with love—have you ever done that? It’s about one of the most horrifically, difficult things I’ve ever even imagined. But when I first ever got the courage to do it, that was an empowerment like none I’ve ever experienced.
When I have found myself in that self-doubt/“they’ve lost interest in me” mode (or friends have, who’ve confided in me) the conflict between “being real” versus “playing the game” always seems to arise. I always err on the side of not playing games. For better or worse, I would prefer someone to just keep on walking if they can’t take me, warts and all. But not telling about and showing all your warts and more on the first date--or in the first month of dating--isn’t playing a game. It took me a while to get this, much less to be able to articulate it. I’m still working on it...
Consider this. You’re four and your mom is taking you to pre-school. She already informed the teacher of your food allergy and that you are likely to still nap during nap time. Maybe you occasionally get fussy at 11:00 am, sometimes you interrupt when you’re mother reads you a story, you prefer animal crackers to cheese crackers—how much detail or how long of a list does your mom need to share with the teacher? At some point, Mom just has to trust the process and let it happen, and you all can learn, grow, and discuss matters as the days come. The point is, in relationships (or potential ones), enjoy simply getting to know others, and enjoy the process. Don’t try to rush things along or give too much all at once. As in the case of the pre-school teacher, Mom could have marked you as high-maintenance and most-likely-to-cause-trouble with nothing but the best of intentions.
Not every smile, gorgeous face, and lingering glance needs to be analyzed by every box he/she checks. And conversely, each or everyone is bound to be your next ex. Whether you go to bed alone or not, the best you can do is to aspire to go to bed with your own peace of mind.